Die-ner (Get it?) – 2010

Netflix and Amazon are interesting beasts.  I watch and purchase some of the worst movies man has created and what do I get for my troubles?  Emails look at my browsing and purchase history so they can suggest MORE horrible movies.  “If you liked ‘Leprechaun in the Hood’, you may also like ‘Bloodsport’.” Netflix is usually spot on, but Amazon doesn’t know what the fuck to think.

That’s how I came across today’s movie.  I watched ThanksKilling, so Netflix decided that this would be a good decision.

Tonight we take a look at a recent Horror-Comedy flick from Osiris Entertainment called “Die-ner (Get It?)“.  Just so we’re clear, the “(Get It?)” part is actually part of the title, not me trying to be cute.  The last time I tried to be cute, three people ended up in the hospital and now I have to introduce myself to all my neighbors every time I move.

Like the diner scene from Rainman, but with significantly less toothpicks.

The premise of the movie shows real promise.  Ken, a serial killer, is having a rough time keeping his two latest victims down, because they have turned into Zombies.

The movie starts out a little slow for my tastes, having to sit through roughly 10 minutes of chit chat with Ruby the waitress before our main character, Ken, finally rears back and guts her like a fish.  The slow motion murder scenes do a good job of showing off our killers calm, collected nature, while he nonchalantly slices Ruby open and then throws a knife halfway across the diner into the back of the chef, Fred.

The next 15 minutes show a married couple entering the diner while our boy Ken pretends to be a waiter awkwardly trying to act he didn’t just murder two people.

The actor who plays Ken, Joshua Grote, does a pretty good job of portraying a psychopath who honestly doesn’t seem to believe he’s a bad guy.  Unfortunately, there isn’t much character development or background story.  We are just “given” a character and forced to accept it.  This makes things confusing because I wasn’t sure if I should root for him or hate him.  Twice during the movie we are given “flashbacks” to Ken’s childhood where he and his Mother play a game of hide and seek.  Once he closes his eyes and starts counting, she books it the hell out of the house (which is hilarious). Afterwards, we get a solid 5 to 10 minutes of a small child walking around a house looking for his absent mother (which is also hilarious).

Tell me this doesn't look like the love child of Edward Norton and James Van Der Beek.

We don’t see our first zombies until about a half hour into the movie when Zombie Fred and Zombie Ruby clumsily shamble their way out of the freezer they’d been stuffed in.  While this is happening, the local Sheriff decides to stop in for a cup of coffee.  He says “Hi” to Fred, but Fred doesn’t respond because he’s currently preoccupied with acquiring delicious brains.  Fred’s silence is misinterpreted as anger stemming from a traffic ticket, so the Sherriff heads to the back to talk to Fred face to face.

You bleedin'?  Yeah, you're bleedin'.

This ends poorly for the Sheriff, as he is immediately murdered to death.

The rest of the movie focuses on Ken trying to juggle keeping the married couple hostage and while trying to not get eaten alive.  The three of them try to solve some Zombie related issues like “How do we not get eaten?” and “Oh god it’s looking at me.”

Several scenes gave me a good laugh, such as the scene where they duct-taped Zombie Fred to the floor and hammered a nail into his face.  Some of the dialogue between the married couple and Ken is also quite humorous.

Ken: “Quit being such a pen 15 about this.”

Ken: “Looks like we’ve got ourselves a zombie.”

Rob: “How do you ‘get’ a zombie?!

I kill people all the time, they... don't normally come back to life like this.

Ken: “I kill people all the time.  They… don’t normally come back to life like this.”

After a while, the married couple gets pissed off enough to try to escape.  They accomplish this, if only temporarily, by smashing Ken in the face with a hammer.  (Pretty damn effective if you ask me.)  He’s out for a good few minutes, but Rob and Kathy’s excessive whining allows Ken to wake up and put a knife to Kathy’s throat.

The movie comes to a climax with the married couple knocking out Ken and escaping, only to be dragged back inside the diner by a pack of Zombies that has appeared outside.  There is no explanation given, just “oh shit, more zombies.”

Oh good, maybe the movie will end quicker now.

Ken waxes philosophical for a little bit, pondering if maybe Zombies are just the next stage in human evolution.  His introspective is cut short by zombie bites to the face and torso.

Everyone gets eaten.  No one survives.

Final Thoughts:

The premise was very promising, and although enjoyable, there were times when it just didn’t deliver.  There were several parts where I laughed out loud, but there were also several scenes that just left me confused, scared, and slightly irritable.  The plot is a little weak throughout.  It’s just “here are people”, “here are zombies”, “oh no now everyone is dead, the end”.  No explanation of who the “people” are.  No reason for the zombies to exist.  And in the end, no one escapes anyways, so what was the point of it all?  It feels more like a hour long sitcom about zombies.  This could, however, be turned into a successful web series if done right.

This wasn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen, but it was far from the worst.  If you’re a hardcore Zombie fan, you’ll probably get a kick out of it.  If you’d like to check it out, you can find it on your Netflix Instant Queue or for roughly $10, you can purchase a copy off Amazon.


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