The Taint – 2010

Let me start off by saying that if you don’t like watching penises explode and women get crushed to death with rocks, this may not be the movie for you.

And if you do enjoy those things, well, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Tonight we watch an independent, low-budget, horror-comedy called “The Taint.”

This movie is proof that you don’t need money to make an entertaining movie, just questionable morals and no sense of decency whatsoever.

Also, I hope you like dicks, they are everywhere.

This movie was suggested to me by reader, naptalan, from the SomethingAwful forums, who claimed, “Check out The Taint if you want to see a really disturbing and NWS terrible movie.”  It should be noted that this person has a Carebear for an avatar, is most likely mentally unstable, and almost certainly shouldn’t be allowed near children.

The movie is a low-budget, independent film, and as such has a lot of student and volunteer effort put into it.  The special effects, while occasionally cheesy, aren’t terrible.  There were, however, several moments when the acting left a lot to be desired.  Shots were framed well and the scenery was well done.  The film is pretty well done technically for an independent film.  That is, to say, it looks great.  My only gripes are with the “meat” of the movie, the story and acting.

The plot of the movie can be summed up by the two words that flash across the screen during the intro, “Kill Women“.  A team of scientists trying to create a “boner serum” accidentally taint the town’s water supply, which enrages the men and turns them into woman-hating killing machines.

Pardon me, ma'am.

The opening shot of the movie is a point-of-view birth.  You hear a heartbeat, it’s dark, then light at the end of a tunnel.  A tunnel made of meat.  “Oh god,” it dawns on you, “the inside of a vagina.”  You are born into this movie.  Therapy will be required.

We are introduced to our main character, Phil O’Ginny, while he is waking out of a nightmare.  It’s a good thing he woke up because now he’s being chased by what appears to be a steampunk farmer wearing long underwear and shitting himself.  I know that if I was chased by a goggles-wearing, long underwear clad, screaming and shitting farmer, I wouldn’t stick around very long.

The main character, played by Drew Bolduc, is white.  I mean, super white.  He’s got very light skin, very light hair, and  while in direct sunlight, he makes Powder look like Malcolm X.  Until he took off his sunglasses, I was convinced he was an Albino.

Like a white Shaft, without all the women.

There are times when Phil gets quite melodramatic with his lines, simply getting louder when the scene calls for an emotion like anger.  But, given the context of the film, most of this can be chalked up to the character.  Some of the other actors seem to be just on the verge of overacting, but not quite.  Every now and then, they gave off the vibes of an actor who felt they were “too good” for this role, sounding almost frustrated.  Phil’s ladyfriend, Misandra, is a good example of this.  A few of her lines seem rushed.

Phil is running through the woods when we get our first taste of The Taint’s special effects.  Upon discovering a dead body in the woods, Phil throws up out of disgust.  Call me naive, but it really looks like he’s throwing up.  I would consider that impressive if it was real.

After regaining his composure, he continues through the woods until he stumbles upon a lovely gentleman with his dick out, screaming and chasing a woman.  Phil pulls out a gun and shoots the crazed person, turning to the woman to ask, “Who was that large cocked man?”

It's me.

While explaining, the story cuts to a montage of deaths.  It starts with several women in a group, who are being chased, split up, and die one by one in various gruesome ways.  This is really where the special effects start to shine.  We see the following deaths;

– Fire (a classic, really)
– Throwing woman (mannequin) off a bridge
– Pulling a leg off like it was a wishbone
– Stomping a woman’s face onto a pole sticking out of the ground

Excuse me, but I need this.

The first one, the fire woman, is special to me.  What you see is a pile of burnt meat in the shape of a head, with eyes and a mouth cut and pasted, still moving and blinking, on top of it.  It looks very similar to the Spong Monkeys from the old Quizno’s commercials.  It is glorious and I’m now hungrier than I probably should be after seeing a pile of women brutally murdered.

EAT QUIZNO'S SUBS.

A little later we run into some incredibly written dialogue delivered by a couple obviously very in love.  It’s a slow motion scene, very tender, very warm feeling.  Then they pull out some wine and speak softly to each other;

Woman: “To us.”
Man: “Fuck anybody who’s not in love like we are.”
Woman: “Must be fags.”
Man: “Total fucking queers, I swear.”

Well, at least they can't get married.  Wait, what?  FUCK.

Then they head back to their house and make sweet love.

There are many ways for movies to show two people having sex.  They can be tasteful and have both of them under covers moving around slowly.  They can be all out and just show everything.  Not The Taint.  None of that artsy fartsy bullshit.  When The Taint wants to show you sex, you’re going to see some primeval shit.  We’re going to revisit that interior vagina shot put it to good fucking use.  All you hear is a soft, wet slapping noise at first.  Then the lights get brighter and you can see something coming closer to you, then moving away.  It slowly dawns on you.  That’s a penis hitting the camera.  Oh god.  Good luck unseeing that.

Things get a little crazy, the dude drinks some water and tries to kill this chick.  She resists and ends up obliterating his skull with a candle holder.  Also note here how it only takes one good swing to the face for the head to implode completely.  She pulls her hand out of her lovers now concave skull holding his completely intact brain.  She cries for a little bit, throws the brain into a hefty bag, and leaves.

Why does this looks so delicious?

The movie slows down for a little bit while they roam around, encountering people, watching them die terribly, and moving on.  Phil does get upset when he tries to save one woman, “That nice boobed girl, we have to help her.”  But he is too late.  “NO!! She was so hot!! Damn you!”

Day: Ruined.

There is a pretty great scene where Phil stumbles upon a small hideout where his old Gym teacher is currently the leader of a post-apocalyptic gang.

Gym Teacher: “They call me, Houdini.  Phil, I’d like you to meet my boys.  Brown Eye, Balloon Knot, Chili Dog, Suave Daddy, Pink Sock, and Alligator Fuckhouse.”
Phil: “Um, It’s very nice to meet all of you.”

Alligator Fuckhouse and I have been friends since we were kids.  We go to the same church.

Phil’s female friend shows up and the guys get all excited.

Balloon Knot: “Look, a girl! Let’s gang rape her!”
Phil: “You guys are joking, right?”
Balloon Knot: “Hey, we take gang rape very seriously.”

A pretty great fight scene ensues with Houdini just beating the shit out of Phil for a couple minutes.  “It’s just not an Apocalypse without a circle of death.”

After the fight, we are introduced to the scientist who created and tells us his (very long) story as to how it happened.  All you need to know is, while attempting to perfect “Boner Serum” called Cockzantium, it was accidentally released into the town’s water supply, causing all this trouble.

The scientist ends up killing the woman by stabbing her in the back of the head.  With his penis.  And ejaculating everywhere.

This movie may or may not be snuff porn, I haven’t decided yet.

At this point Phil loses his shit and just runs outside killing people.  Everywhere he looks there are enraged dudes looking for chicks to kill.  Imagine Dawn of the Dead, but the zombies all have their dicks out.  Phil just goes around indiscriminately shooting people in the dick.  Bam! Dick shot.  Bam! Dick shot.

Caked in blood and semen, the way God likes it.

Tired and disoriented, Phil stumbles around covered in blood and semen.  He uses an American flag to wipe his face clean, hops on his skateboard, and enters the scene that just makes the movie all worth it.

Slow-motion ensues, and chiptunes play while a semen and blood covered Phil drapes himself with an American flag and rides down the street on a skateboard, shooting dicks the whole way.  It’s the most patriotic thing I’ve ever seen.

'Merrica.

After slowly descending into madness, the camera goes negative, zooms in on Phil’s face, and he falls into some kind of Penis-Death-Spiral.  Movie’s over, go home.  No more dicks for you.

Final Thoughts:

What this movie lacked in acting and story, it more than made up for in overall character and technical production.  In that respect, it reminds me a lot of Rubber.  It’s impressive to see what can be accomplished with a low budget.  I would absolutely recommend this movie based only on the “OH SHIT” factor the whole movie gives off.  This movie has everything, Dick Explosions, gang rape, a home abortion, and more interior vagina cameras than I’m comfortable with.  Check out their website, www.taintmovie.com and download a copy of their movie for as little as $5.  If you’re a fan of “dicks, dicks everywhere…“, you won’t be disappointed.

BONUS:

I ran out of room to put these in the review, so I’m just going to dump these here.  They’re too good not to share.

I think you got some on you.

Ecto-Cooler, YES!

God, smoking is so cool.

Comments
  • Tom
    Reply

    Wow. I'm just stunned. I don't know where to begin.

    I'm not sure which I like better, the words "Alligator Fuckhouse" or "Cockzantium".

    I'll say this. I actually felt dirtier watching the Al Pacino Dunkin' Donuts commercial in Jack and Jill.

    At least the makers of this film were trying to be funny by being off-the-wall bad. The saddest thing about Al's DD commercial was that multiple people thought it was funny.

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