Sometimes a movie has millions of dollars and A-List actors behind it and still comes out looking like something a toddler accidentally shot with the front-facing iPad camera.

These movies prove that there is a God, and he has abandoned us.

Some of my older reviews are garbage, but I’m working on going through and fixing that, so please bare with me.

#1 – Jack and Jill

I went with a group of friends to watch this movie because we’d heard it was awful.  When I got to the counter and asked for seven tickets, the woman looked disgusted and asked, “Why?”

That’s really all you need to know.

#2 – What’s Up: Balloon to the Rescue!

There’s an entire sub-genre of film dedicated to producing low-quality, low-budget versions of popular children’s movies in the hopes that confused old people will accidentally buy the wrong one.

This is the bootleg version of Pixar’s “Up”.  This version has racism, poor CGI visuals, and literal, actual rohypnol.

#3 – Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

About halfway through this movie, the director cut and pasted another entire movie into it.  Credits and everything, they stop the movie you’re watching to show you a different movie.

The only way this film is tolerable is if you watch the Rifftrax version with the overlaid audio.

#4 – Titanic: The Legend Goes On

This is a children’s story version of the infamous tragedy of The Titanic.  The film itself is quite true to history, however.  It includes the stereotypical Mexican mice that played mariachi for the passengers of the Titanic.  It includes the rapping dog that rapped on the original Titanic.  This movie even includes the oft-forgotten footnote that details how all the passengers were saved by passing dolphins.  That’s right, no one died on the Titanic, because they were all saved by friendly dolphins.

#5 – Skinned Deep

I made my Dad watch this movie and when it was over he told me he loved me less.

I don’t want to talk about it.

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