Backwoods – 2006

I could only find two images of this movie on Google.  One is the DVD cover, the other is a picture of a woman tied naked to a tree.  You’ve been warned.

In every entertainment store you will find a section with what’s currently popular.  On the end of every isle in FYE or the music department of Target you will see a “Greatest Hits” or “Top 10” section with the music that everyone wants to hear.  Back before Blockbuster went tits up you would find a wall filled with “What’s Hot!” or that years Oscar nominees.

So I want you to imagine the kind of movies I found in the back of a locally owned record shop, behind a shelf leaned up against the wall, in a milk crate on the floor, covered with a tarp.

Just imagine.

“DURRRR!!!” – ACTUAL Quote from Backwoods

This week’s movie is called Backwoods.  A movie about Luther, a 300-pound, transvestite, redneck, ex-genius hell-bent on revenge against the city-folk teenagers that done killed his mama.

Can it get better?  Of course it can, when Luther receives help from a powerful forest spirit, a naked screaming hermaphrodite named Mangina.

I’d bring Blockbuster back just so I could put this movie on the “Oscar Nominee” wall and fuck with people.

The opening to the movie is roughly 4 minutes of footage from a man running around the woods with a camera, except the picture is in negative and repeated five times.  Random clips show a naked person with a mask on and his penis tucked under Buffalo-Bill style screaming and dancing.  Meet, Mangina, the hermaphrodite forest spirit.

The movie starts out simply enough, with a sex scene between two people, a man and a man in a dress, having wet sloppy, ham-flavored sex in the woods.  They are not attractive people.  It’s likely that one of them unironically owns a Rascal scooter for menial tasks like getting around the store, traveling through the mall, and going from the couch to the kitchen.  The man finishes, realizes the horror of his decision, and runs screaming.  Lo and behold, the man in a dress becomes pregnant.  This is Mama.

Mama roams the woods for the duration of the pregnancy, roughly thirty years, surviving with the help of Mangina.  I want you to think for a moment, “We’ve already seen Buffalo Bill’s sister and we watched the Captain from Wall-E have sex with a water buffalo, what could possibly be worse?”

Mama drops to her knees, screams, and then delivers a thirty year old man from her butt.

“Luther!” she screams, “Oh my baby boy!  I carried you for thirty years, and then you came out of my butt!”

Pay attention people, this is Oscar material.

Luther, as we discover, is very smart.  You can tell because he speaks fluent English and has a British accent.  He talks briefly about his plans for world domination right before his mother drops him on his head and he literally starts slamming the side of his hand into his chest and screaming “DURRRR!!!”  Like if Carlos Mencia was talented.

The rest of the movie is pretty bland in comparison.  Some teenagers hit his mother with a Jeep and Luther vows revenge.    This means for the remainder of Backwoods, Luther puts on his mother’s blue dress, runs around screaming “DURRR!!” while slapping his chest, and murdering teenagers.  There isn’t really a story, or character development, or much of anything other than gratuitous violence.

There is a scene where Luther ties a woman to a tree and eats her breasts.  Just, no.  What the fuck, Luther?

The actors are all terrible, every goddamn one.  None of the death scenes are even particularly memorable, with the exception of when “White Male, #2” dies.  He gets a tent spike in each eye socket, then stumbles around screaming for a minute or two.  This scene is repeated randomly three times throughout the rest of the movie.  The only other one worth mentioning was when Luther pulled off a man’s arms and beat him to death with them.

In the beginning, you feel bad for Luther because his mom died.  Towards the middle, you start to root for the teenagers because Luther is a prick.  Then, by the end of the movie, you just feel uncomfortable and want to leave.

Well, you can’t.

Overall, I’d have to say this movie is pretty goddamn terrible, and doesn’t even merit a viewing.  There are movies I can say “Yeah, it was awful, but it was entertaining.”  This isn’t fucking one of them.

This movie doesn’t even show up on IMDB.com and Google only found me the DVD cover art, which isn’t even very good anyways.  Ugh.

Because this movie is just terrible on every level, with absolutely no redeeming qualities, I give it the first official, Terrible Movies for Terrible People “Seal of Disapproval”.