Titanic: The Legend Goes On… – 2000

This movie.

THIS MOVIE.

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!

I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to find a physical copy of this movie. Now, while I did have a reader send me a digital copy, keep in mind, I make horrible financial decisions. Also, there’s just something about holding a physical copy of a terrible movie in your hands that says “I am the worst person.”

You need to know two things about this movie;

One:  This movie is currently ranked #1 on the Bottom 100 Movies list on IMDB for a reason.

Two:  This movie contains a rapping dog.

I REGRET NOTHING

“Titanic: The Legend Goes On…” (ellipsis theirs) is the classic story of the Titanic that we’ve all grown to love.  Only now, director and writer Camillo Teti has gone through it and twisted it into something horrible and “family friendly”.  Where there once was a love story between a third class passenger and a first class passenger, there is now a family of mice throwing a party.  Where we once had the exciting sense of wonder that goes along with partaking on a voyage on the worlds largest oceanic vessel, there is now a trio of walking Mexican stereotypes played by mice wearing sombreros.  Where Leonardo DiCaprio once proclaimed he was “King of the World!”, there is now a rapping dog.

“There’s something you should know, and I’m gonna tell you so. Don’t sweat it, forget it, enjoy the show.” – Rapping Dog

There is a trio of criminals, a bootleg Cruella DeVille and her two henchmen.  There is your typical rich snob babe whom all the gentlemen aboard the ship would like to, as the French would say, plow.  Hell, even the Rose character is a direct bootleg of Cinderella, complete with Evil Stepmother and two Evil Stepsisters.  In addition, we follow the story of a family of mice.  Nothing too special, except the little boy sounds like a young Tommy Wiseau.

“If it weren’t for you, I would be in someone else’s digestion.” – Mouse Boy

We’re all familiar with the story of the Titanic by now, right?  Big boat, lots of people, sinks.  That’s it, that’s the story.  Some people lived, but most of them died.  It’s sad, it’s tragic, and we commemorate that occasion with Celine Dion music.  But no, not in this movie.

After the Titanic crashes into the iceberg (which I’m literally surprised didn’t have smiley face and sing it’s own song) the ship goes down and everyone piles into lifeboats, including the musicians and Captain.  After a few minutes, everyone is floating around either in the water or in a lifeboat.  We watch as all the worst characters become human for just a moment and realize the gravity of the situation.  We watch as the animal characters put aside their petty differences and work together to survive.  Well, that’s what would happen in a movie with any semblance of plot or cohesion. The people onboard actually try pickpocketing each other and yell to try to convince the others to ignore the drowning people while the animals are pulled to safety by dolphins.

DOLPHINS.

CHRIST.

I tried. I tried so hard to find redeeming qualities in this movie. I couldn’t do it.  I wanted there to be something to praise because, you know, kids movie.  But, no.  The answer is obvious now.  Camillo Teti hates children.  There, I said it.

I hate this movie and everyone involved in it’s creation.  There is no excuse for what has happened here, none.

This movie was purchased off eBay from a seller in the UK.  I’m surprised this wasn’t confiscated at customs.  Part of me wishes it was.

Ugh.