Fuck You, Adam Sandler (Jack & Jill–2011)

Recently, some readers and I went to the local theater to witness the latest Adam Sandler masterpiece. To give you an idea how well this movie is doing, when we approached the counter and told the woman what we were there to see, she looked at me incredulously and asked, “Really?”

This marks the beginning of our second official “Terrible Movies for Terrible People Field Trip.” I’m not sure if we should call them “field trips” or “life wasting opportunities”. No one walks away from these feeling good about themselves. No need to pretend.

The eight of us met up at a small Tex-Mex place near the theater before hand, to try and eat comfort foods and pre-emptively drink the pain away. It was pretty good food and the tequila was plentiful. By the time the movie started, we were all feeling pretty good about this decision, which should tell you something.

We get into the theater, which is all the way on the top floor and in the very back, and notice something interesting.  There is no one else inside the theater. We are the only people that have purchased tickets to watch this movie. The word “ominous” comes to mind.

Everyone involved in this movie should be ashamed of themselves. All I did was watch the damn thing and I feel dirty.

Jack and Jill is a movie about a man named Jack, played by Adam Sandler, who is coming to terms with the fact that, while his sister Jill, also played by Adam Sandler, is annoying and completely inept at just about everything, she is still family and that’s what’s important. This is where you are supposed to go “Awww” but dry heave instead.  Roughly 40% of the characters in this movie are played by Adam Sandler.  None of them are likable.

There are several large names in this movie who take this performance almost disturbingly seriously. Adam Sandler (obviously), Katie Holmes, and Al Pachino himself. There was significant time, money, and effort put into making this movie and that terrifies me. I feel like, at some point, someone had to stand up and say, “Is this real or am I living some kind of nightmare? Because seriously, this is terrible and I’m pretty sure one of you is Satan.”

From the trailer, it seemed like this was a silly, lighthearted comedy aimed at families with children. It doesn’t seem like the typical Sandler movie like Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison which are obviously geared towards the adult crowd. Unfortunately, I’m not sure the movie knows who it’s trying to please either. Half the comedy is poop and fart jokes that fall short of actually being funny. At one point Jill is upset and crying in the bathroom while Jack tries to comfort her. Jill starts having bad diarrhea and Jack is quite disgusted by this. This whole scene goes on for significantly longer than it needs to be. The entire conversation goes on while every 15 seconds either Jack makes a frowny face because of the smell, or Jill accidentally farts a little bit. Oh hey, I get it, poop smells bad. No, it’s not funny. The other half of the comedy is adult oriented humor like trolling for dates on Craigslist that aren’t rapists and being socially awkward to the point of not being able to function. The family asks Jill if she’s ever used a dating website before and she claims “Oh, you know I don’t know how to use a calculator.” Oh, haha, wow, it’s funny because she thinks that a calculator is used for surfing the internet. No, wait, it’s not funny at all. Maybe 10 years ago you could get away with “Oh, I’m not good with computers.” But considering that today most children’s toys have more computing power than Apollo 13 (true story, look it up), I’m not fucking buying it.

Far too many of the jokes in this movie aren’t sure if they’re even jokes. Jack’s adopted son has an odd habit of taping objects to his body. It’s never explained. No one mentions it in the movie’s dialogue. It just is. One scene he will walk by with a stapler taped to his chest. Later, he will be sitting on the floor watching TV with a spatula taped to his shoulder. Oh no, now he has a lobster taped to his back. How hilarious and wacky! Then, Jack and Jill have their own made up language that no one else speaks or understands.  There are entire scenes where major “plot” points occur in this gibberish.  There’s no specific reason, they just do. Maybe it’s to symbolize the bond between brother and sister. Or, maybe, it’s because Adam Sandler had a fucking stroke.

After another hour of poop jokes and making fun of Mexicans and homeless people, Al Pachino falls in love with Jill. This starts a wacky chain of events where Jack (Adam Sandler) has to dress up as his sister (Adam Sandler). Adam Sandler is a character played by Adam Sandler who is dressing up as an Adam Sandler character. I’m trying to comprehend what the fuck, oh god, I’m bleeding.

The movie ends with Al Pachino rapping about Dunkin Donuts coffee. I cried real tears while this scene played.  I felt dead inside and realized I will never be the same again.

This movie is shallow, vapid, has absolutely no substance whatsoever, and to top it all off, at the very end it tries to play everything off as if it’s some grand self-parody. I’d like to imagine that Adam Sandler drinks himself to sleep every night because of this movie. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better for having watched it.

This movie is on the verge of being unwatchable. With the amount of money this movie lost, you probably could have made a 2hr film that’s just Adam Sandler waving his penis at you and giggling. At least that’d be funny, if only for a brief moment.