The FP – 2012

If there is a God, he is angry.

Or he just really likes fucking with us.

Tonight we take a close look at The FP, a movie about bootleg DDR gang battles and the societal implications of white people using the word “nigga”.

Does this movie need to exist?  Probably not.

Am I sure glad it does?  Definitely.

I had heard of this months ago and, honestly, thought it was a joke or parody. So imagine my surprise when a local reader messaged me one random day, asking, “Do you want to come see The FP with us?”

You’re damn right I do.

The movie starts out simply enough.  We are introduced to our protagonist and his brother, who is staring down a mirror in the bathroom, psyching himself up for an upcoming game of “Beat Beat Revolution”. I don’t think I need to tell you what happens next.

Someone dies.

That’s right, about halfway through the battle, one of the players keels over and dies right there on the arcade machine.  Unfortunately, this means two things.  One, our hero “J-TRO” (a clever moniker for J-TRO actor “Jason Trost”) swears off Beat Beat Revolution forever.  And two, control of Frazier Park now belongs to King Muttonchops McGrillface, “L-Dubba-E”.

The next hour or so is your pretty classic story of redemption and rising to the challenge.  J-TRO spends several years in hiding, simply trying to escape the shame that comes with your brother dying while playing a Japanese dance game.  (I’m pretty sure that’s one step below autoerotic asphyxiation.)

Eventually, J-TRO decides to come back to Frazier Park (“The FP”), only to find that everything has changed.  The man who killed his brother is now the king of the trailer park.  The girl he once liked is now dating the guy who killed his brother, the aforementioned King White Trash.  And everyone else is literally the type of people that get rejected from Jerry Springer.  “Hurry up, nigga. We havin’ spaghettio-waffle sandwiches in an hour.”

One thing you’ll notice while watching this movie is the language.  Now, I’m not exactly the most conservative guy here, I’ll be honest.  But this movie goes a little overboard.  As far as I can remember, every single sentence in the movie contains either the word “fuck”, “shit”, or “nigga”.  My favorite is their use of the word, “nigga”.  There are zero black people in this movie, which makes that funny by default.  Also, they claim that “nigga” stands for “never ignorant at getting goals accomplished.”  Haha, nice try, white people.

I’m not opposed to cursing in movies, but it can be hard to follow the plot if every third word is “shit” or “nigga”.  “Yo, nigga, those are some fuckin’ beat beat nigga boots, fo’ real, shit.” translates to “Hey, nice shoes.”

After a training montage of epic proportions, our hero is finally ready to face his fears and restore order to Frazier Park.  His confidence falters slightly when L-Dubba-E claims J-TRO’s love interest “sucks you some fine-ass dick, girl.”  But it does not deter him from his goal of claiming his rightful throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

After a super intense game of Beat Beat Revolution with J-TRO coming out on top, L-Dubba-E flips out and starts shooting wildly.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU HAD GUNS THIS WHOLE TIME?!

Anyways, everyone (except L-Dubba-E, he’s dead) goes home happy.  The camera closes in on J-TRO and his girl, they lean in for a kiss, and then, NOPE, blowjob.

In every sense of the word, this movie was enjoyable.  Admittedly, there are time that it’s very hard to follow the story when every third word is “fuck” or “nigga’”.  If you actually played Dance Dance Revolution at any point in your life, you will be personally offended at the terrible clone they play throughout the movie.  I would imagine getting Konami to license the DDR name would be quite expensive, so it’s understandable.  Also, I realize that’s a silly thing to be upset about, but as someone who spent their entire high school career playing this game after school, it irks me.  This movie probably won’t win any (real) awards.  That said, I’ve certainly watched worse movies.  None of them were about bootleg DDR gang fights, though.

If you actually play DDR, talk like a parody of Eminem, or actually live in Frazier Park, you’d probably get a kick out of this movie.  The rest of you might have some trouble looking past the rough edges to see the beauty underneath. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. This is the kind of movie you should experience with a group of friends and some alcohol.  So grab all both of your friends and some drinks, and give The FP a shot.

(And just so we’re all clear, I recognize that all my credibility went out the window when I admitted that the fake DDR irritated me.)