The Garbage Pail Kids Movie – 1987

Submitted by: Erin Washington

A Terrible Contest for Terrible People Entry. Read, then CLICK HERE to VOTE for your favorites!

When I told a friend that I was going to do this contest, they suggested I do the Garbage Pail Kids Movie. But I couldn’t understand why, from what I remember this was a great movie. I mean, I was like 7 when I saw it but…my memory is still clear I loved everything about the Garbage Pail Kids (GPK). Apparently, I have a warped ass memory.

The movie opens with the cast being flung onto the screen on Topps trading style cards. If you were a child of the late 70’s & 80’s then you should remember these, if not, you lived under a rock and were deprived as a child. But anyway, during the beginning sequence I paused the movie to go to my basement and find my set of GPK cards I had triplicate of almost every card, about 500 total. I wanted to spread them out and roll on them before the movie, for nostalgias sake of course. But alas after about 2 hours of searching, I decided that I should probably give up on it and just watch the movie.

Cast: Anthony Newley- Cap’n Manzini, MacKenzie Astin (btf the last few seasons of Facts of Life)- Dodger, and Katie Barberi- Tangerine, and of course playing themselves (but not really, just some midgets in masks) the GPK: Valerie Vomit, Windy Winston, Foul Phil, Nat Nerd, Ali Gator, Greaser Greg, and Messy Tessie

Ok, back to the film. A garbage pail that appears to be from space flies and tumbles across the screen. Not exactly sure why or what it has to do with anything else since it didn’t actually fall to earth, its just flying around up there. Cut to an antique shop with a garbage pail, the same one from space? Idk… It starts oozing green goo and all the antiques start moving and looking it.We hear voices of children and mischief ensues. Enter Cap’n Manzini, the mischief stops and he puts a lid on the pail, which seems to have come off, trapping said voices inside.

We then see Dodger running in the park, away from two 20-30 year old goons, one with breasts that bounce like she’s never even thought of wearing a bra.

For some reason the head of the “gang”, Juice, calls Dodger a creep. Uuuuuum he’s the one hassling a 14 year old kid for his money. Dodger has his money stolen and then he’s dropped in some muddy water. He then goes back to work. Where we find out is the Antique shop with the Cap’n, who also does magic.

Here comes the warning… upon entering the shop Cap’n tells Dodger never to touch the pail. So what comes next?! He almost knocks it over! (Imagine that! Who woulda thunk it!) Cap’n warns him yet again never to open it… and likens it to Pandora’s Box. Then he puts it up on the edge of the highest bookshelf in the middle of the store. Don’t have to be Miss Cleo to know where we’re going with this one.

Later that day we learn that Dodger has a crush on his bully’s girlfriend, Tangerine, when she comes in the shop. (Dodger’s just a glutton for punishment ain’t he?) Who looks like a prostitute from 14^th St (esoteric yet nostalgic DC reference). He tries to flirt with her and sell her things. He even gets to creepily smell her hair (uuuh stalker). Oh Dodger, she outta your league…This really can’t end well. And as we expect it doesn’t. Enter Juice and Crew. They run around the store trying to catch him and you’ll never guess what happens next… They knock over the pail. (Shocking! Never saw that coming.) Finally, they catch Dodger and take him into the sewer. The 2 guys try to unscrew the raw sewage drain. Like the weak men they are they can’t seem to remove it, so our big breasted lady goon does and out comes shit all over Dodger.

Shit covered Dodger

Now we finally get to see the GPK! They rescue Dodger and take him back to the shop. Hooray! Cap’n comes back to find they were let out. They won’t go back and we get our formal introduction to the Kids: Greaser Greg, who reminds me of Andrew Dice Clay, just an all around douche bag; Messy Tessie, who always has snot running out of her nose; Windy Winston, one of the 2 black kids, who has really bad gas. Foul Phil who is a baby who I’m guessing has either milk breath or a shitty diaper; Nat Nerd, who has really bad acne, is fat and wets his pants constantly; Valerie Vomit, whose name is self explanatory. And Ali Gator who is an alligator who has an affinity for toes, fingers and eyeballs. So basically we’re introduced to 1 jerk, 4 physically repulsive kids and a mutant, how could all kinds of shenanigans not occur?

So this 14 year old boy is put in charge of wrangling these little fuckers from outer space back into the pail (I’m forced to make the assumption that the pail from the shop is the same pail we saw fly in from space cause only a garbage pail from space could spew for this kinda garbage).

I learn the 1^st Mission in this movie is to get Tangerine to like Dodger. Dodger wants to impress Tangerine by joining her in her hobby, which is making trashy slutty 80s clothes. (What any 14 year old straight male would know about women’s clothing is beyond me.) The GPKs say will help him. “Chics is Chics and I know Chics!” Yes this is a quote directly from Greaser Greg. Only Shakespeare could have written it better.

Then all of a sudden they start singing. WTF?! Is this a musical? I can’t finish this if it’s a musical. I can’t remember any fucking singing being in this movie. I had to stop the movie and go get a few drinks. Coincidentally, 3 days after seeing the movie I am still humming the song. FML.

The GPK’s tell Dodger they will help him on one condition: he finds their friends at the State Home for the Ugly. And there we have it, mission #2 is unveiled. So the GPK go to a Chinese sweatshop and make clothes for Dodger to impress Tangerine. Needing a break from working they decide to split up and go to the movies and a bar. (A bar? Really? What is the rating on this movie again?) Gross antics at the theater and toe eating at the bar are what follow of course. What I don’t understand is why the bikers at the bar are so welcoming and helpful after Ali tries to eat their friends foot.

Best line in the entire 97 min movie is when 2 men from the State Home for the Ugly ( I know some people who should be in this place) try to kidnap a girl for being ugly and she tells them to go suck a rope.

The next 20 mins are the kids sewing, being kidnapped and locked up in the Home for the Ugly, and then Dodger realizing that Tangerine is a bitch, which I figured out in the first 5 mins. Ahhh love is blind.

The movie had such bad costumes that the mouths of the masks don’t move and in one scene you can clearly see the midgets arms above the alligator gloves .

White midget arm

Clearly this wasn’t one of my best decisions in life.

A horrible movie just wouldn’t be terrible if there wasn’t random women running around in string bikinis for no real reason. Again, how did this movie only get a PG rating?!

3 women in bikinis

Like I said, I don’t remember this movie being this bad. I feel like all my childhood memories have been tainted, tarnished and pretty much shit on, like Dodger earlier in the movie. There is only one person I hate more than myself right now… It’s Nigel for stealing and raping this fine childhood memory, like a small southern Sudanese child.

PS there is a new Garbage Pail Kids coming out. Produced by Michael Eisner’s company and written by Michael Vukadinovich, and directed by short filmmaker PES. I know have added Michael Eisner to my people who should die a slow painful death list.